Calc 2

In 2012, I didn’t know I had autism. I didn’t really understand my ADHD. If you’d asked me at the time, I would’ve said I was still dealing with my mother’s death from 4 years earlier. I had no idea that my dad was continuing to emotionally abuse me. The fact that I had PTSD couldn’t have been further from being discovered. I had never tried SSRIs, let alone weed. I didn’t even know I had any mental health issues whatsoever. I lived for the weekends, when I would get drunk and laugh with my girlfriend. Saturday and Sunday were oases that motivated me to keep crawling through the grit and heat of weekdays in my small singles dorm room at my university.

My Calculus 2 professor was woman so old, she used the PA system wired into the walls of the classroom. If she hadn’t, the people in the back wouldn’t have been able to hear her speak. She was about the height of a mailbox, and looked like she weighed about as much as a couple of bowling balls. I wasn’t foolish enough to ask her age, but she couldn’t have been younger than 70.

She was passionate about her subject and her job. But, when she would raise her voice, it would come out through the PA system. One day, she kicked out two girls who were chatting. She went over to their desks, gathered their belongings in her arms, and lead them out the door. You may be asking yourself, “How does a 5-foot, 100-pound, 80-year-old math professor kick two college girls out of her class?” The answer really is quite simple. It’s easy to do, really. All it takes is being terrifying.

I didn’t go to class for weeks after that. It might’ve even been months. I hated myself for not going, and I knew what I was doing was setting myself up for failure, but I couldn’t help myself. No matter what I did, for some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to go back. Every time I tried, her furious voice would ring in my ears, and I would shrink away from the thought. Those mornings, I didn’t even leave my room. I would eat handfuls of peanut M&Ms and pretend not to be in if friends knocked on my door.

At the end of the semester, with exams approaching, I panicked. I flew into a storm of studying.

I got a B in the class.

I’ve changed. I have autism. I’m pretty sure I’m a genius. I’m only being arrogant if I’m wrong, right? Well,

Eugh what the hell is this font. Sorry about the long title, but I couldn’t just not say anything. Then again, I had other things to say, which is why I wanted to write in the first place. So, if you’ll excuse me:

Axiom 1: I’m an autistic genius
Axiom 2: Weed is well-known as an apparent creativity boost
Axiom 3: Weed seems to make my autism “worse”
Axiom 4: Monologuing is a symptom of autism

I could probably write some pretty good books about how I view the universe, with weed enough and time.

Solution? Maybe [update1]

I think I’ve finally realized why I can’t get up out of bed in the morning on weekends. I’ll be in bed and want to get up, but it won’t happen until a significantly large amount of time has passed or if I’m significantly motivated to do.

Throughout my life, I’ve been controlled. As I came to realize this, I resisted this control. I was angry enough at the idea of being controlled that I resisted, but smart enough not to blatantly resist authority, in that I would twist things; just enough to satisfy my need to reject control, but just enough to be able to claim that I was following directions. Very Poor Example: I’m asked to draw a picture of a bear. My knee-jerk reaction is to draw a walrus, but instead I draw a picture of a bear in a business suit driving a car. Slightly Less-Crappy Example: I’m asked to stop tapping my desk with the tips of my fingers. My first thought is to tap louder, pretending not to hear, but instead I tap a few more…one less than what would be considering open rebellion.

What I did was make myself unable to be controlled. The problem that this caused was (and I didn’t realize this until now) that this applied to me as well…not only are other people not able to control me, but no one can, myself included.

Is it possible to rebel against yourself? …

How about another, better question:

Is it impossible to rebel against yourself? No, it most certainly is not.

EDIT 1: Think about it this way…I twist thing.  Justify.  Explain.  Excuse.  I tell myself that it’s not that I don’t want to get out of bed, but that it’s because I can’t.  This, in a twisted way, is true, but not entirely.  I want to get out of bed, and can’t, but because I’m preventing myself from doing so.  If you look at it that way, the whole thing really is false, because I don’t want to get up at all.

When I get a writing assignment, I find it hard to work on it.  At least, that’s how I think of it…that “I have trouble doing work”.  However, I think that what’s important to note here is that on my own time, I’ve stayed up until 1 am ‘working’ on projects.  I’ve even literally asked myself the question as to why the same task is easier if I’m doing it of my own accord than if it’s for school.  But I’ve wondered even more often why it’s so hard to get up out of bed in the morning, when I’m the one giving the orders.

Now I know why.  And why even those things that aren’t for school are so hard.  I rebel against control, even if it’s me.

Teacher cuts off noisy kid’s tongue

This is terrible…what time period are we in, the medieval age or something?

An Italian teacher has been suspended by her school in Milan after cutting off the tongue of a lively 7-year-old child with a pair of scissors, daily Corriere della Sera reported Tuesday.

[Source | Found on digg]

Gas Day

You’ve heard about snow days…you’ve even heard from me about rain days…but today, I give you the gas day.

I told Brian Dunaway from the Mission Deep comic about it over Skype, so I’ll paste it below:

CO (carbon monoxide) was detected, and this isn’t the first time that this has happened
in fact, this is a chronic problem
the school that I go to was built about 6 or 7 years ago…something else that you should know is that I live in a pixel of a town
no alarm went off
people started feeling crappy
not even today – last night
the voting for my town is held in the school
people were showing the signs of CO poisoning
and yet, for some reason, WE WENT TO SCHOOL TODAY
only to find that for some reason, the problem had not miraculously fixed itself
like problems of this nature often do, right? right?
yeah…here’s the thing
this has happened about once every 3-4 months since the school was built
according to the people that knew the seniors that knew the seniors that knew the first graduating class of 2000 or 1999 or something

Bush Says There’s a February 30th (From Late Show with David Letterman)

“These are the actual results for the fiscal year that ended February the 30th.”

see video | found via digg

North Korea Performs Its First Nuke Test

South Korea reports the test…

read more | digg story

Dell are having an EXPLOSIVE FIRESALE (video)

“a Dell store is taken by surprise by a guy spruiking their laptops as ‘dangerously defective digital devices’, and telling passers-by theyre having an ‘explosive firesale’ and that its a ‘burning battery bonanza!’

Taken from ‘The Chasers War On Everything’, the ones who did the stocking over the head sketch seen here a coupla weeks ago”
watch video | digg story

Critical Bug Found in Ubuntu and Derivatives

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ubuntu bug hunters and users in general have discovered a severe bug in the Debian-derived distribution. The bug is rated as ‘critical’, and is said to prevent Ubuntu from gaining any significant ground in the computing world. This bug can be observed everywhere in the world, at companies, in shops, in people’s homes.

read more | digg story

15 year old tries to out drive the police at 150MPH!

This skilled 15 year old simply makes the police officers look like fools.

read more | digg story

“walking stick cabbage”

This was listed as one of the search terms that people used to find this blog with…I have no idea why!

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