Solution? Maybe [update1]

I think I’ve finally realized why I can’t get up out of bed in the morning on weekends. I’ll be in bed and want to get up, but it won’t happen until a significantly large amount of time has passed or if I’m significantly motivated to do.

Throughout my life, I’ve been controlled. As I came to realize this, I resisted this control. I was angry enough at the idea of being controlled that I resisted, but smart enough not to blatantly resist authority, in that I would twist things; just enough to satisfy my need to reject control, but just enough to be able to claim that I was following directions. Very Poor Example: I’m asked to draw a picture of a bear. My knee-jerk reaction is to draw a walrus, but instead I draw a picture of a bear in a business suit driving a car. Slightly Less-Crappy Example: I’m asked to stop tapping my desk with the tips of my fingers. My first thought is to tap louder, pretending not to hear, but instead I tap a few more…one less than what would be considering open rebellion.

What I did was make myself unable to be controlled. The problem that this caused was (and I didn’t realize this until now) that this applied to me as well…not only are other people not able to control me, but no one can, myself included.

Is it possible to rebel against yourself? …

How about another, better question:

Is it impossible to rebel against yourself? No, it most certainly is not.

EDIT 1: Think about it this way…I twist thing.  Justify.  Explain.  Excuse.  I tell myself that it’s not that I don’t want to get out of bed, but that it’s because I can’t.  This, in a twisted way, is true, but not entirely.  I want to get out of bed, and can’t, but because I’m preventing myself from doing so.  If you look at it that way, the whole thing really is false, because I don’t want to get up at all.

When I get a writing assignment, I find it hard to work on it.  At least, that’s how I think of it…that “I have trouble doing work”.  However, I think that what’s important to note here is that on my own time, I’ve stayed up until 1 am ‘working’ on projects.  I’ve even literally asked myself the question as to why the same task is easier if I’m doing it of my own accord than if it’s for school.  But I’ve wondered even more often why it’s so hard to get up out of bed in the morning, when I’m the one giving the orders.

Now I know why.  And why even those things that aren’t for school are so hard.  I rebel against control, even if it’s me.


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