I’ve changed. I have autism. I’m pretty sure I’m a genius. I’m only being arrogant if I’m wrong, right? Well,

Eugh what the hell is this font. Sorry about the long title, but I couldn’t just not say anything. Then again, I had other things to say, which is why I wanted to write in the first place. So, if you’ll excuse me:

Axiom 1: I’m an autistic genius
Axiom 2: Weed is well-known as an apparent creativity boost
Axiom 3: Weed seems to make my autism “worse”
Axiom 4: Monologuing is a symptom of autism

I could probably write some pretty good books about how I view the universe, with weed enough and time.

Unknown

Usually when I write these posts I have at least some idea of where they will go.  With this one I have no idea whatsoever, but I still feel the need for expression through writing.

There is beauty in shame.  Truth in misery.  Clarity in pain.

In life things keep building and building until release, and when all the walls are torn down, everything is open and on the table.  With a house of cards you don’t know what might happen.  You can build something up differently than was planned and things happen in unexpected and spontaneous ways, but destruction (real destruction) only goes one way.  Loss is only loss if you don’t gain something, and it is only on those rare occasions that lead to losing more than you gain that we should truly weep.

This post is not a post, but is in fact a (insert wonderful word used for emotional dump that I can’t think of).

To some I may seem insane, and some may indeed be correct, however to quote Homer*; “In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.”

*Simpson

You will never be so close to those who suffered greatly with you.  It is only when we are weakened that we let others in.  This may not be true and may only apply to me and the people like me (insecure and highly jaded from being burned too many times) and it may be many other things, but it’s not false.

Tragedy has a way of bringing people together.  Sometimes I want to tear it all down just so I can have the excuse to cry on someone’s shoulder – sometimes I hope for things to fall apart for the sole reason that I can be on the inside facing the dark and scary outside world instead of continuing to be on the outside looking in.

Does having enough courage to admit your flaws make you a coward for not taking all opportunities to fix them?  “Sometimes I want to put a bullet between the eyes of every panda who wouldn’t screw to save its species” -Chuck Palahniuk

Lonely people put up walls to protect themselves from who they believe threaten to hurt them while they sit on crowded buses next to people doing the same thing, all of them alone together, surrounded by friends but alone in their own minds.  People like me are those that search for what they have and do not believe happiness when it buys them lunch, and are always looking for the trap door, the catch, the knife they’re going to stab me with as I turn away.  None of these fears are held logically, consciously, but the suspicion and borderline paranoia (based on experience mind you, and at a young age toboot which makes all fears extreme) remains, buzzing in the background like a warning alarm, wailing it’s everlasting message that the people you are with will hurt you and you should find the right people, when you are in fact among friends.

Why do we feel alone in crowded rooms?  How can we?  When does it end?

Control

If I could change one thing out of anything I would wish to have more control.  I want control because I know I’m capable of anything (within reason) that I want to do.  If I was in full control of myself, I would be able to say that I wanted to do something, and then do it, instead of doing something after a great deal of mental and emotional exertion to motivate myself to do it.

Deep down I know I have control of myself, but what I am realizing is that I don’t have control of my motivation.  I can control what I do, but I can’t control if I do it, at least not right now where I’m at.

I know that I can motivate myself, but when I try it doesn’t happen.
Why is this?  What am I missing?  If self-motivation is something that can occur, why can I not do it?  I believe I can, yet it is not occuring, so either in fact I cannot, or my problem is something else.

If I can motivate myself, the problem might be that I am unfocused, and might combine with my lack of organizational skills.  My lack of focus might cause me to be distracted and then I would lose track of time and what I had to do.  This might contribute to my lack of success.

Another contributing factor might be that I am able to motivate myself, but logically am having a hard time either justifying myself or committing myself to a goal.  I might not believe in myself as much as I would like to believe, and fear of failure might prevent me from committing to a goal I’m afraid I might not succeed at achieving.  I might believe that I’m wasting my time and might doubt my own judgement in selection of a goal, or doubt the worth of achieving that goal.

Additionally, self-loathing and frustration are very strong contributing factors.  I know that things that I have failed at doing were not impossible, and this causes me to beat myself up about the fact that I could have done better.  Frustration comes from my lack of familiarity with upcoming challenges, which reminds me of my last failure, and causes me to think that I am not going to succeed.  I doubt myself because sometimes even when I believe that I’m going to succeed, I still fail.  I lose faith in my ability to evaluate the current situation.

Self-loathing is caused by the thought that I was assisted by so many, but achieved so little.  The knowledge that even though I was perfectly capable of succeeding and did not does not help boost my self-esteem and morale.  I wonder if there is something wrong with me that others have right and if there is something that I am unable to understand that others comprehend.

What I need to keep reminding myself of is that what I’m doing is difficult and that I’m not the first and will not be the last to find it to be challenging.  Many of the others that I know are in the same position that I am in, and in many cases they are worse off than me.

There is a solution to every problem and not all of the problems that I encounter are as bad as they might initially seem to be.  What I am trying to do is not impossible, and neither is succeeding at achieving my goals.

Personality

There are four main personalities that a person has:
-Who others think they are (Perceived External)
-Who they act like they are (Actual External)
-Who they think they are (Perceived Internal)
-Who they really are (Actual Internal)

For the sake of easy communication about these four main personalities that names have been assigned to them.

A main difference between any of these can cause problems.
Consider the following examples:

A difference between Perceived External and Actual External personalities means that the person is misunderstood.

A difference between the External personalities and the Internal personalities means that the person is acting differently than how they normally would act of their own accord; an example of this would be teens acting differently around their peers.

A difference between Perceived Internal and Actual Internal personalities means that the person is out of touch with themselves, and possibly in denial.