holy shit do you have any idea how hard it was just to post the fucking thing in the internet my tutor account got blocked even though it was private and had no followers dad why didn’t you look at me Mom I didn’t look at me how do I die
Archive for the ‘cool’ Category
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June 21, 202216 years, 1 month, 27 days
December 25, 2021That’s how long it’s been since I created this blog. That’s a long fucking time. It’s nearly exactly half my life ago. Since then, I’ve learned so much. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been bored. I’ve been angry. I’ve been overjoyed. I’ve been hopeless – kind of. Throughout it all, I never stopped believing that my happy ending was somewhere in my future. To me, it was never “belief” – it was knowledge. I guess that’s what you’d call “faith”.
Since then, I’ve been diagnosed with a veritable bouquet of mental health thingies: ASD, OCD, PTSD, a mood disorder – a couple more and I get a free sundae. I’ve been to hell, and I’ve crawled out of that pit by my fingernails. I’ve crawled out of that pit and I’ve climbed up higher than I’ve ever been. I’ve also eaten a lot of cheeseburgers. It’s hilariously ironic that the all-time high water mark of my mental health is coinciding with the all-time low point of my physical health. January 1 is coming. New Year’s resolutions have nothing to do with it. What makes it effective for me is a robust delineation between “before” and “after”.
When I was younger, I’d cringe at old memories. I’d try to make myself feel better by saying “if it’s been longer than 2 years, you don’t have to feel guilty”. What I’ve just recently learned is that having to say that to yourself at 15 is a sign of larger problems than that time you made an ass of yourself.
Monday, Oct 15, 2018
October 15, 2018I’m on my second 15-minute break at my warehouse job. Ironically, even though this is a public blog, I’m posting on it through a VPN. I’ll likely be quitting this job soon. In 3 hours and 40 minutes, I will smoke marijuana while my wife drives us home. Currently, I would rate my emotional state at around a 4 out of 10, large numbers representing a healthier mental state. 4 is pretty much par for the course at this job, especially on a Monday. The transition from weekend to weekday is not a gentle one, especially for someone with autism.
Every day I’m learning something new about my autism specifically, autism in general, and myself in particular. The insights that I’ve gained in the 2ish months I’ve known I have autism are among the most influential and life-changing that I have ever experienced. My daily struggle is to try to contain myself and hold everything together mentally and emotionally. I go to work because I must work. The alternatives are far inferior to going through all this while being away from home for 10 hours a day. However, the cost for me is high. Trying to act like everything is status quo while simultaneously weathering what I can only describe as an emotional typhoon…it can be…taxing.
The first time I went back to work after being formally diagnosed with autism, it was too much. I heard my coworkers’ tones of voice – they weren’t happy the weekend was over, but their level of stress and mine were as different as they could possibly have been. They were inconvenienced, tired, and crabby. I was in my own personal hell, a whirlwind of sudden impulses, sensory sensitivity, emotional vulnerability, and mounting anxiety. My wonderful wife faked an illness and we got the hell out of dodge.
Since then, I’ve gotten a better handle on my mental state, thanks in no small part to my new therapist. She’s the one who diagnosed me with autism, and I’ve been seeing her once a week. She fully authorizes my use of weed as a coping mechanism, citing my years of trauma and continuing difficulties meeting the expectations of daily life. It is my hope that continuing this path of self-discovery, therapy, adaptation, education, and healing will yield greater and greater outcomes. So far, since 2006, it’s been a wild ride, but it has been more than worth the price I’ve had to pay. In short, it is better to know you’re drowning than to gasp for air and wonder why. I still wouldn’t mind breaking the surface sooner, rather than later, though. The salt makes all this taste terrible.
crime
June 3, 2017MIRROR 1: https://instaud.io/Zni
MIRROR 2: http://vocaroo.com/i/s1mMrhCd4UvU
MIRROR 3: https://clyp.it/fvnj4cy5
Photo links!
December 10, 2007http://www.flickr.com/photos/shaymus22/1701168472/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/shaymus22/1700310413/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/shaymus22/1700307603/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/shaymus22/361000959/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/shaymus22/98808964/
<a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/shaymus22/98313292/
“>http://www.flickr.com/photos/shaymus22/98313292/
<a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/shaymus22/98273433/
“>http://www.flickr.com/photos/shaymus22/98273433/
Cool Movie Quiz
September 7, 2007Click the badge to take the quiz yourself!
School
September 7, 2007Alas, the accursed thing has started! I am le busy! Ahauhauhauhauh (That was my version of a text-based French laugh. No complaining: It’s the best thing I could come up with at 6:30am)
I am soooo busy and here’s why:
School is 7:35am-2:23pm
it takes until about 2:30pm until I’m home
Work is 4:00pm-7:00pm
Here’s the deal though – it takes 20 minutes to and from my work without any traffic, and 30 minutes if there is traffic. I also have to get ready about 40 minutes before I get to work, and the same thing is true with school in that I give myself about 40 minutes to get ready, so here’s the real schedule:
[6:20am-7:00am] Get ready for school
[7:00am-7:10am] Drive to school
[7:10am-7:35am] Downtime
[7:35am-2:23pm] School
[2:23pm-2:30pm] Drive home
[2:30pm-3:00pm] Downtime
[3:00pm-3:40pm] Get ready for work
[3:40pm-4:00pm] Drive to work
[4:00pm-7:00pm] Work
[7:00pm-7:20pm] Drive home
[7:20pm-7:50pm] Dinner
[7:50pm-8:00pm] Chores
[8:00pm-10:30pm] Downtime / Homework
So there you have it! The only real amount of time I have on days that I work and have school to do things like blog is right now (before school) or at 8pm, and that’s assuming that I don’t have any homework! Holy sheet!
Now, fortunately, I am investigating other employment options. It may come to pass that I’ll be working something like 5pm-10pm, which would mean that I would have time to get things done in between work and school, which would be nice. Nothing is even close to being final though, so if you’re my current employer and you’re reading this (highly unlikely though it is) don’t fret.
Yeah, the chances of that are somewhere between 0 and 1 in a million. 😀
Back!
July 30, 2007Photos coming soon! Bleh!
EDIT: check out the photoset by clicking the thumbnail below!
PICTURES – Xbox360 Elite Officially Announced!
March 27, 2007
Digg this if you think that the Halo 3 beta is coming out today (March 27)!
March 27, 2007XboxLive is down for “maintenance” and will continue to be down until 2pm PST (5pm EST). If you look at the linked screenshot of the official post about this, #6 says that one of the things that you can do while XboxLive is down is to brush up on March 27 history – the THIRD listed historical event involves an earthquake that killed 117 people!
My Thoughts 