Control

If I could change one thing out of anything I would wish to have more control.  I want control because I know I’m capable of anything (within reason) that I want to do.  If I was in full control of myself, I would be able to say that I wanted to do something, and then do it, instead of doing something after a great deal of mental and emotional exertion to motivate myself to do it.

Deep down I know I have control of myself, but what I am realizing is that I don’t have control of my motivation.  I can control what I do, but I can’t control if I do it, at least not right now where I’m at.

I know that I can motivate myself, but when I try it doesn’t happen.
Why is this?  What am I missing?  If self-motivation is something that can occur, why can I not do it?  I believe I can, yet it is not occuring, so either in fact I cannot, or my problem is something else.

If I can motivate myself, the problem might be that I am unfocused, and might combine with my lack of organizational skills.  My lack of focus might cause me to be distracted and then I would lose track of time and what I had to do.  This might contribute to my lack of success.

Another contributing factor might be that I am able to motivate myself, but logically am having a hard time either justifying myself or committing myself to a goal.  I might not believe in myself as much as I would like to believe, and fear of failure might prevent me from committing to a goal I’m afraid I might not succeed at achieving.  I might believe that I’m wasting my time and might doubt my own judgement in selection of a goal, or doubt the worth of achieving that goal.

Additionally, self-loathing and frustration are very strong contributing factors.  I know that things that I have failed at doing were not impossible, and this causes me to beat myself up about the fact that I could have done better.  Frustration comes from my lack of familiarity with upcoming challenges, which reminds me of my last failure, and causes me to think that I am not going to succeed.  I doubt myself because sometimes even when I believe that I’m going to succeed, I still fail.  I lose faith in my ability to evaluate the current situation.

Self-loathing is caused by the thought that I was assisted by so many, but achieved so little.  The knowledge that even though I was perfectly capable of succeeding and did not does not help boost my self-esteem and morale.  I wonder if there is something wrong with me that others have right and if there is something that I am unable to understand that others comprehend.

What I need to keep reminding myself of is that what I’m doing is difficult and that I’m not the first and will not be the last to find it to be challenging.  Many of the others that I know are in the same position that I am in, and in many cases they are worse off than me.

There is a solution to every problem and not all of the problems that I encounter are as bad as they might initially seem to be.  What I am trying to do is not impossible, and neither is succeeding at achieving my goals.

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